did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
