someone threw a dead crab at me
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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