i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
