worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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