you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
i think im in europe. pls send help
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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