I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
