You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
