yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
