so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
