I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Ketchup is God's man juice
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
the raccoons are back...
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