Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
