I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
