Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
