I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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