I could make wine with my vomit
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
