I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
