A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
