When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
