Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You can't special order awesome
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
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