Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
