no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
