I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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