i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Everclear isn't food dammit
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
