dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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