i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
it's great music for shaving your balls
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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