She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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