My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just saw a hot homeless man
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
