im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
