OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
