Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
