I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize