dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
