The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
