Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
