I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
