I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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