I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
