I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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