I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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