Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
