No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
