I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
