Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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