How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
