I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Why did my mother make you get naked?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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