My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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