and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
