Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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