wakey wakey hands off snakey
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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