Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You dont lie about slip and slides
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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