I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
