Jerry, you need to find god
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
