I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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