thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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