So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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