I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
