all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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