That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
