I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
