I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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