my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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