mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
