i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
