Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
