i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
