I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
what day is it and did you see me today?
high people should be assigned attendants
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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