Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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